If you are worried about your partner’s use of pornography (or another behaviour), how you talk about it matters as much as when.
- Choose a moment without open conflict. Not in the middle of an argument or right after a discovery.
- Speak from what is happening to you: “I am worried”, “it hurts me”, instead of accusations about what the other person does.
- Listen before proposing. There may be distress, shame or a difficulty the other person has not been able to tell.
- Propose seeking help as something shared, not as a condition. “I would like us to look for support” works better than “you have to fix it”.
- Look after your own support too. Accompanying someone with a difficulty like this wears you down; you may also need guidance.
At ATVE we also guide couples who are looking for how to accompany. You can write and share only what you need.
Antonio Presencia Crespo, therapeutic companion, creator of ATVE.